Change your Mind, Change your World

Have you ever experienced your mind as a prison?

(raising hand) I have!

Oh boy… have I ever.

My mind has been a steel fortress, trapping me with an endless series of stories, denying me the opportunity to experience "what is" in life. Instead of simply perceiving life, it’s constantly evaluating, judging, critiquing and categorizing my experiences – and especially myself. (It’s really good at that.)

Like most of us, I was taught to judge myself from a young age. In school, if I got a bad grade, I judged myself for not doing better. Instead of looking at what I did to get there, and make the necessary changes to create a different outcome next time, I got stuck thinking about the ways that I didn't measure up. If my grade was "bad," I must be bad.

Of course, this put me in a tailspin: my picture of who I wanted to be didn't match who I was, so I lived with the constant despair of not measuring up – or, has my husband would say, “living in self anger.” It was torturous.

Of course, there are two sides to the judgment coin: as harshly as I judged myself, I also judged others. I was looking for something outside myself to place the blame on. And you know what? That’s torturous too.  It’s really not a happy place to be.

My husband is the most non-judgmental person I have ever met. I do not care what situation or person he is dealing with; he has found a way to maintain a delightful curiosity. He observes without judgment. I had never experienced this quality before I met him, and I find it incredibly inspiring – something I definitely want to experience.

After so many years of being around him, I get so frustrated with my judgmental self. I feel like I "should" be there by now. Why hasn’t this come to me yet?

I went into inquiry, just holding the question in my mind, not hunting down an answer. Then, it hit me, like a glorious bolt of "AH-HA" from the sky. It came with the question: "Why do I judge myself?"  

The answer was actually funny... in a “duh!” sort of way.

I don't have to judge myself! I love myself completely, and I can dive into that truth at any moment in time.

I was so excited to see this… it made me want to walk up to complete strangers, and kiss them and hug them, and tell them that I loved them. I was suddenly in love with every person I saw. I felt madly in love with life, people, the earth and myself!

To finally be free of my own judgment was like being let out of jail and I didn't even know I was in. It's as if I cleaned my lenses and now I can see clearly.