You Statements

I have been in my current relationship for a long time.  At first we were just student/teacher, but I was in relationship with him none the less.  As we moved forward and began to get closer, I found myself expressing what I/we refer to as "you statements."

Let me give you an example.  My husband, loves to just leave, no kiss goodbye, no hey I'm running to the store, nothing.  One minute he is here the next he is gone.  To be perfectly honest, I have a very hard time accepting this trait about him.  In fact, we have been at a parties together, fireworks, Christmas dinners, or the beach where he sees that I am having a good time and doesn't want to bother me.  So, he just decides to leave and not tell me.  After a while I look around for him and he is gone.  The car is still there but no Victor.  At first I run through my head some possibilities, "he could have gotten another ride home, he could be walking, called a cab" etc.  But for me it makes me worry.  

When I finally get home and he is sitting there working on his computer I get upset with him.  Now, most people would probably say something like "you left!  Why didn't you come and tell me you were leaving?  I was worried sick about you.  I can't believe that you thought so little of me that you didn't think that I wanted to know you were leaving."  All "you" statements.  Instead, what I have taught over the years is to say where I am, not point a finger.  "I was upset and worried, I felt completely left out.

I have clearly stated where I am.  I have not asked him to change in any way but simply stated where I was with everything.  He could choose to defend his position or not.  I didn't ask for an explanation but simply expressed what was going on with me.  I have taken responsibility for myself (which by the way is the only person I can change or take responsibility for).  He has to choice now to make a different decision the next time or keep behaving the same way he did before.  I have not brow beat him into being the way I want him to.  I have left him to his own free will.  

One might ask themselves "how many times have I come at my partner with a you statement?"  What would be the difference if instead I choose to express where I am versus making him wrong?  What would be the difference in the outcome?  

In my opinion this is the greatest gift I can give my partner is to allow him to be who he is.  I can express my considerations but at the end of the day I can either accept him for who is is or not be with him.

Warmly,
Allison
www.Conscious-Loving.com