Life Unexpected

Life happens.  We make choices all along the way that lead us in one direction or another.  In the last few weeks I have found myself in a place that I wasn’t really sure as to how I go there.  I had my life turned upside down to say the least and I am the only person to blame for that happening.  This was probably the most challenging situations I have ever found myself in.  I went into solitude and found my center again and I am going to share with you what I experienced, what I learned, and the extractions for my self and my life that I came to.  I am on the other side of this whole mess now.  Standing stronger and more sure of who I am and more in love with my husband than ever before. 

It all began with my teacher giving another student some instructions.  “Write down everything that you want to be, what you want others to see in you and what you want others to believe about you.  Then write down what you would not want any one to know about you, what you would be horrified if they new about you and what you do not want others to think or speak about you.”  Then be willing to share these things that you have discovered.

I sat and listened to these instructions and I thought OK I can do this too.  So I began my list.  The first part was easy and then as I kept going I suddenly realized this was going to be a lot harder than I thought.  When I arrived at looking at what I did not want others to know I got surface things.  Like little white lies that I told about insignificant things to in effect make myself look better or the situations look better.  Then as I kept looking within myself I realized I had behaviors that were running me that I was completely unaware of up and to this point.   It wasn’t until it was pointed out to me that I was doing this did I even begin to see it. 

Somewhere in my childhood I developed a skill set for lying.  More than likely it was a survival thing for me, a way to keep my head above water with my parents.  But when you tell a lie, if you are going to be good at convincing others that it is true you have to believe it to be true.  When you believe your own lie you no longer know what the truth is.  If you do not know what is real and what isn’t where are you exactly?  What a confusing place to find myself in?  From here where do I go?  Where I found myself was that I am 41 years old and I didn’t know what was real for me and what wasn’t.  I could even see that I was working so hard to cover up and lie from my past and how much it was affecting me in my present.  I was unable to feel deep profound love.  I was unable to connect with friends on a powerful level because I was trying so hard to hide this dark spot within myself.  I really had no idea as to who I was because so much of my energy went into hiding this fatal flaw within me that I could not embrace all that I am.  I could not see and experience the love that was standing right in front of me. 

I experienced this dark place within myself and felt like I was loosing all that I cared about, all that was dear to me.  I felt the pain from my past washed over me almost to the point of suffocation.  I wept and wept and looked at the possibility of losing my husband and closest friend.  I was convinced that they would see me for the defect that I thought I was. 

I reemerged not knowing what or who was still going to stand by me.  Did I still have the love and friendship that I once had?  Were they going to still want me in their life?  I had disclosed my darkest secret to them.  They both looked at me and said “SO WHAT!”  Um.....really?  Talk about the weight of the world being lifted off of my shoulders.  To think that they saw it as a "so what" was the most loving thing they could have said to me in that moment.  It made me OK with myself and OK with he situation.  From that place I was able to see it for what it was and realize its importance in my life.  Once I became complete with this aspect of myself I was free to be more of who I am.  This life path that I have chosen is all about self discovery.  Sometimes it is a painful experience but so worth it in the end.

Happy to be back,
Allison