Communication and Sex
The biggest challenge we can face in any relationship is communication. Linguists tell us that 20% of communication is verbal and 80% is nonverbal. Now, non-verbal for most of us means unconscious, but it doesn't have to be. Have you ever noticed being in conversation with someone and they keep looking away from you, or their legs are facing away from you? This person isn't really with you and is "looking elsewhere". Once I understood what people were expressing in their bodies while they communicated, it became easier for me to recognize this.
Another matter in communicating is the chatter that runs in our heads. We call this "our jabber loop". The jabber loop continually goes on in our head and a lot of the time can be damaging to us and our relationships. It takes us on an endless roller coaster and keeps us from experiencing the moment and "what is" in our life. I read an article the other day that I want to share with you:
A young couple is having breakfast together. He happily read the sports page while his wife sat there in her head, unable to be in the moment with her husband. Her interpretation of the experience was that all she wanted from her husband was 30 minutes of together time. This helped her feel connected to him throughout the day. He decided to read the paper which upset her. She felt as if he would do anything to avoid having to spend time with her. She left the breakfast hurt and withdrawn. He on the other hand read the sports page with his Dad every morning and has fond memories of this and enjoys it as an adult. He enjoyed the time he had with his wife and could not understand why she acted the way she did toward him.
Going on in his head "love and together time is reading the paper together". And the women "paying attention to each other with no distraction is together time".
How many times have I had a conversation in my head that was hurtful to me? I wondered if it was real or not. I learned how to recognize, more and more, when I am operating inside a story in my head-or the possibility that I am doing that. I have a current example:
I have a new friend that is real close to her family. I heard that the mother doesn't like me and wants to keep her daughters away from me. Now, I don't know if all that's true. But I know that I have a story running around in my head that I'm not good enough (a self concept issue) and that it's all my fault. So I thought it was very appropriate, if nothing more than to make a connection, to call the women and tell her my consideration as I described above. I don't know if we really did have a problem between us but if their is I was curious if I had wronged her in some way.
For many years my mind chatter was destructive, to put it mildly. I was so caught up in my head that I was unable to be in the present moment. It wasn't till now, as I become aware of the possibility that what is going on in my head isn't real. It is part of me but is a story from the past. As I bring my awareness to my thoughts, see them for what they are, and don't try to change them, is when they begin to silence. I am no longer run by mind chatter, It is still there but usually,more of a background noise.
Now I'm wondering about my sex life. Where am I letting my interpretations and stories taint new levels of bliss for me?
Allison
All-is-on
Another matter in communicating is the chatter that runs in our heads. We call this "our jabber loop". The jabber loop continually goes on in our head and a lot of the time can be damaging to us and our relationships. It takes us on an endless roller coaster and keeps us from experiencing the moment and "what is" in our life. I read an article the other day that I want to share with you:
A young couple is having breakfast together. He happily read the sports page while his wife sat there in her head, unable to be in the moment with her husband. Her interpretation of the experience was that all she wanted from her husband was 30 minutes of together time. This helped her feel connected to him throughout the day. He decided to read the paper which upset her. She felt as if he would do anything to avoid having to spend time with her. She left the breakfast hurt and withdrawn. He on the other hand read the sports page with his Dad every morning and has fond memories of this and enjoys it as an adult. He enjoyed the time he had with his wife and could not understand why she acted the way she did toward him.
Going on in his head "love and together time is reading the paper together". And the women "paying attention to each other with no distraction is together time".
How many times have I had a conversation in my head that was hurtful to me? I wondered if it was real or not. I learned how to recognize, more and more, when I am operating inside a story in my head-or the possibility that I am doing that. I have a current example:
I have a new friend that is real close to her family. I heard that the mother doesn't like me and wants to keep her daughters away from me. Now, I don't know if all that's true. But I know that I have a story running around in my head that I'm not good enough (a self concept issue) and that it's all my fault. So I thought it was very appropriate, if nothing more than to make a connection, to call the women and tell her my consideration as I described above. I don't know if we really did have a problem between us but if their is I was curious if I had wronged her in some way.
For many years my mind chatter was destructive, to put it mildly. I was so caught up in my head that I was unable to be in the present moment. It wasn't till now, as I become aware of the possibility that what is going on in my head isn't real. It is part of me but is a story from the past. As I bring my awareness to my thoughts, see them for what they are, and don't try to change them, is when they begin to silence. I am no longer run by mind chatter, It is still there but usually,more of a background noise.
Now I'm wondering about my sex life. Where am I letting my interpretations and stories taint new levels of bliss for me?
Allison
All-is-on
Comments
Post a Comment