Romantic Doldrums
One of the most common things I come across in my practice is the cold sex in relationships. I can not begin to tell you how many couples I know where one or both people are sexually dissatisfied. This leads the couple down an unfilled road and many times the couple splits up.
Limerence is the stage of uncontrolled romantic excitement. The next stage is getting to know each other with strengths and weaknesses. Third stage is being co parents or partners in work and fourth stage is long term togetherness; the warmth of familiarity and knowing the other person and that person knowing you. Each of these stages of romance in a relationsip can be equally powerful and exciting, and produce the basis of a hot sexual relationship.
I really like being known by my husband as well as he knows me. He can take part in my arousal and actually get me off for my first orgasm within two minutes; but he likes to hold me off for ten or fifteen minutes before my first orgasm because has expereinced how much more powerful the orgasm is this way. Not everyone is that way, he could only learn that about me from familiarity from my responses.
Sex is one of the first things that goes when you are having challenges in your relationship, and sexual satisfaction can be that challenge. It doesn't have to be this way.
When you are new in a relationship, it is easy to get sexually excited. Your hormones are flowing through you and you have spontaneity on your side. The world is at your finger tips. Then marriage happens for some and then children. Now you have two people that are working hard and are tired. The spontonaiety is gone and frankly a lot of the time when you make it to bed together you are just too tired to even think about being intimate. Time passes, the children leave, and you are left with each other again.
One day you wake up and look around and think "where did my relationship go?" At this point you have the opptorunity to schedule time to be together, possibliy a date night, a walk on the beach, anything that involves just both of you. Sometimes this works, sometimes not. Being a mother, I know first hand how hard it is to juggle your children and your relationship. But is there anything more important? If you do not put energy into your relationship, your relationship won't be around long.
Being able to call forth your own level of exciment is key to having a sexually satisfying relationship. Exciment comes from inside of you. Yes, certain situations and settings can excite you, but then you are dependent on a condition in your life, for excitement. That leaves you a child of circumstance, powerless.
What I am presenting is the possibility that you can bring about your own exciment, your own level of arousal. There are many ways to do this. Some of the ones that I have discovered for myself is: mediation, chi gong, tai chi, hoop dance, certain internal movements, accelerated breathing and arousal exercises (see previous blogs). These leave me feeling empowered and in control of my intimate life.
Step One: Together with your mate, in your current state of mind, decide the frequency of sex in your relationship. Then set a date and think of a gift, an enticement, or a note for your mate and send it to them midweek. Don't hold this timing as a permanent decision, but a starting point. When I got together with my husband, once a week was fine for me. He said that doesn't really work for him, but was willing to go along with me. Now, I enjoy sex everyday and he smiles as he leaves the house.
Someone recently told my husband that he waits till it unfolds, happens organically (spontaneously), and grows naturally; my husband thinks that this is great. But I know where he is leading (he's somewhat a dog), to more than once a day sometimes. But I have seen that go the other way with couples many times, and lead down the slippery path. And it can be hard work clearing the weeds out of the relationship so it can grow organically and spontaneously.
Limerence is the stage of uncontrolled romantic excitement. The next stage is getting to know each other with strengths and weaknesses. Third stage is being co parents or partners in work and fourth stage is long term togetherness; the warmth of familiarity and knowing the other person and that person knowing you. Each of these stages of romance in a relationsip can be equally powerful and exciting, and produce the basis of a hot sexual relationship.
I really like being known by my husband as well as he knows me. He can take part in my arousal and actually get me off for my first orgasm within two minutes; but he likes to hold me off for ten or fifteen minutes before my first orgasm because has expereinced how much more powerful the orgasm is this way. Not everyone is that way, he could only learn that about me from familiarity from my responses.
Sex is one of the first things that goes when you are having challenges in your relationship, and sexual satisfaction can be that challenge. It doesn't have to be this way.
When you are new in a relationship, it is easy to get sexually excited. Your hormones are flowing through you and you have spontaneity on your side. The world is at your finger tips. Then marriage happens for some and then children. Now you have two people that are working hard and are tired. The spontonaiety is gone and frankly a lot of the time when you make it to bed together you are just too tired to even think about being intimate. Time passes, the children leave, and you are left with each other again.
One day you wake up and look around and think "where did my relationship go?" At this point you have the opptorunity to schedule time to be together, possibliy a date night, a walk on the beach, anything that involves just both of you. Sometimes this works, sometimes not. Being a mother, I know first hand how hard it is to juggle your children and your relationship. But is there anything more important? If you do not put energy into your relationship, your relationship won't be around long.
Being able to call forth your own level of exciment is key to having a sexually satisfying relationship. Exciment comes from inside of you. Yes, certain situations and settings can excite you, but then you are dependent on a condition in your life, for excitement. That leaves you a child of circumstance, powerless.
What I am presenting is the possibility that you can bring about your own exciment, your own level of arousal. There are many ways to do this. Some of the ones that I have discovered for myself is: mediation, chi gong, tai chi, hoop dance, certain internal movements, accelerated breathing and arousal exercises (see previous blogs). These leave me feeling empowered and in control of my intimate life.
Step One: Together with your mate, in your current state of mind, decide the frequency of sex in your relationship. Then set a date and think of a gift, an enticement, or a note for your mate and send it to them midweek. Don't hold this timing as a permanent decision, but a starting point. When I got together with my husband, once a week was fine for me. He said that doesn't really work for him, but was willing to go along with me. Now, I enjoy sex everyday and he smiles as he leaves the house.
Someone recently told my husband that he waits till it unfolds, happens organically (spontaneously), and grows naturally; my husband thinks that this is great. But I know where he is leading (he's somewhat a dog), to more than once a day sometimes. But I have seen that go the other way with couples many times, and lead down the slippery path. And it can be hard work clearing the weeds out of the relationship so it can grow organically and spontaneously.
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